Feng Shui at Your Service | A Daughter's Perspective

This is a Feng Shui essay written by my daughter for a high school English class.

Is nothing sacred?

How to Feng Shui Your Life

Stuck in a dead-end job?
Maybe your wife just left you for your best friend.
If these or similarly unfortunate events have occurred in your life,
you possibly possess restricted and joyless Chi.
Yes, Chi, the energy that fancies red front doors
and ever-so-stylish octagonal designs.
Many modern Americans, however,
have trouble satisfying this force within their homes.

They commit atrocities like having
their bed facing away from their door and
not adorning every corner of their living space
with hanging, globular crystals.
Ignorantly, they may also place
white décor in the Abundance area
or purple in the Helpful People and Travel area.
In addition,
a vase of flowers in the Relationship area
may contain more than two flowers,
a grave error if you realize what you imply to the divine.

Therefore, to save Americans from their
impending journey through
a life of bad “juju” and negative energy,
I find it necessary to supply a few pointers on
how to please the Chi in your home,
and in your life.

Chi itself is completely formless
and has countless predispositions.

It prefers to flow through a space blissfully,
without roadblocks.
Because of this,
aim to eliminate any sore thumbs in your home,
such as an unsightly lamp
or annoying Uncle Ed who visits at Christmas.
Take great care to assure your home is
streamlined but not cold,
homey and not too whimsical.

The Feng Shui Bagua determines every
principle you need to pay attention to.
The Bagua, in this case, acts as a fancy octagon.
This eight-sided shape embodies all nine life areas or Guas.
(Wait, nine?
Yes, let us not forget
the yellow square in the middle is the Health Gua.)
With this map,
you can alter areas of your life
by merely moving around your belongings.

To allow those of non-Chinese descent
to understand the changes I speak of,
I will outline some important Guas and how to enhance them,
thus enhancing your own life.

When you superimpose the Bagua over your home
- ka-bam! -
you see the position of every Gua.
Situated in the back right corner of your home,
the majority of Americans would find
the Relationship Gua relevant in their lives.
I apologize if this corner of your domain harbors
your teenage son’s room or kitty litter box.
However, if this vacant space beckons for a purpose,
I suggest moving your bed here,
a clear indication of your romantic desires.
Of course, let’s be realistic.
What if it is a bathroom or kitchen?
No King size bed will fit in such tight quarters.
Thus, we thank the inventors of
the sleeping bag and air mattress.
So, when you are camping out under your toilet
remember it will be worth it when
you start getting lucky in relationships.

Other elements are also very important,
like color, number and fragrance.
Because the number two works best,
I advise putting a double of everything in this space.
Sorry if your Relationship Gua
occurs in your kitchen or bathroom
because you’ll certainly have to purchase
two refrigerators, two toilets
and all other appliances in doubles.
However, do not hesitate
when buying an exact pair to all of your possessions
because pleasing your Chi must always come first.

Next, you must garnish this space with red and pink
to fulfill this Gua’s color preference.
I recommend Valentine bedding
and cinnamon scented candles.
If you are out of ideas,
I am sure every American thrift store
supplies other equally effective red trinkets.
Another important key, aromas, must reflect your intentions.
I recommend Sandalwood for you fiery Americans,
maybe a floral for those of you more soft-spoken.
Of course,
in a bathroom, your “Airwick plug-in”
used to combat ghastly bathroom odors will suffice.

If you’re single and loving it,
maybe keeping this place vacant serves you best.
This way you make your solo intentions
clear to all celestial energies that may
want to pair you with Mr. or Ms. Perfect.

Americans seek money often as resiliently as love.
Constantly seeking financial assistance with investing,
people must understand the answer lies in Chi.
The ever-handy Abundance Gua will
assist in all monetary endeavors.
Situated in the back left corner of your home,
you can often see this area from your Relationship Gua.
Here, you must make your financial vision obvious.

Make abundantly clear to the Chi what it is you want.
If you are skilled with computers,
try Photoshopping yourself into a mansion,
a Ferrari, or even just a pile of money.
Take these instruments of attraction and
hang them on the walls in this corner.
Look upon these pictures frequently,
imagining them manifesting in your life.
The color purple also plays
an important role in the Abundance Gua.
Maybe your picture displays a
lavender Lamborghini or magenta mansion.
Whatever you can do to appeal to chi
will yield greater wealth.
My own Abundance Gua homes
a large crystal bowl with purple flowers,
filled with fake bills.
To the left lies a small fountain
and the right holds a golden money dragon.

Although the Guas are your road map to success,
road maintenance is a must.
For this, keep your home clear, barren, and immaculate.

The devil of Feng Shui, clutter,
will take you nowhere.

If “neurotic vacuumer” or “unrelenting scrubber”
describes your cleaning habits,
you’re half way there.
Although you cherish the memories,
hoarding your Maui, Chicago, and London
refrigerator magnets only hinders your progress.
And even though the chocolate éclairs on
the cover of a Bon Appetite from 1999 look mouthwatering,
chances are good you will never get around to making them.
Recycle, regift or remove from your home in another way
all of these superfluous household items.
Try it yourself,
all Americans certainly possess things
that need to be unearthed and thrown out.
My mother’s theory behind determining what goes is
“Have I used this in the past three months?”
If answered with anything besides a clear and concise “Yes,”
hopefully I realize what I am missing before garbage day.

Death parallels clutter as a chi inhibitor.
And no, I don’t picture Americans with skulls
as a common decoration;
but death can manifest in other, more unexpected, ways.
For example, dried plants of any kind are appalling.
The dried daisies squished between
two panes of glass in your kitchen window
are not home beautification,
but lifeless skeletons of lives that have ended.
These slight tweaks in perception
will allow you to spot things
that are serving you in your life,
and those that are not.

After completion of these easy steps,
try a few of your own.
Your Health Gua could always use a splash of yellow
and your closet could always use a sorting.
You can now discard your
dust-gathering self-help workbooks
and no longer attend spendy therapy visits.
By merely tweaking your furnishings
and clearing your clutter,
your life will have a turn for the better.
The Feng Shui Bagua can now become
your personal map to happiness.
Please the chi throughout your home
and everything else is bound to fall into place.